Pearly Gates

where am I?
you're dead. you're in heaven. be happy.
I'm dead? this is heaven? where's the pearly gates?
that's them there.
that? you sure?
yeah. don't believe everything you read.
but. . . where's angel gabriel?
gabe? gabe's not here. you got me instead. murray.
murray? who are you?
I'm your guardian angel. so shut up and sign in.
where's. . . god?
he ain't here neither. on vacation, I think.
vacation? he goes on vacation? from heaven?
he gets real bored, actually. can't blame him.
where does he go?
oh, he's got a place on a lake.
he does?
yeah. one of those inland seas in michigan.
I have to say, I'm disappointed. this place is. . .
is what?
it's so. . . I don't know, trashy, and. . . filthy.
hey, you better listen up. god likes it this way.
he does? but why?
because of all you morons with your heads up your asses.
excuse me?
that's right. self-righteous hypocrites, is all you are.
god says that?
says more than that, actually. but you didn't hear it from me, you understand?
sure, ok.
you flap your lips, I'll fuck you up good. got it?
are you sure this is heaven?
hey! what'd I tell you, huh? you disrespecting me?
no sir. not at all. it's just. . .
this ain't no country club, ok? this is heaven, dammit. you're here to work, understand?
yes, sir.
you people are so dumb. expecting miracles.
but they promised us eternal life, with the lord.
huh! lord's got no time for that, fool. now go see leon.
who's he?
your crew boss. he's your lord, from now on.
are you sure this isn't a bad dream?
dream? ha! ain't no sleeping allowed here!
so just tell me: if this is heaven, what's hell like?
ain't no hell. just heaven. had to downsize.
downsize?
yeah. because of the economy. so you missed hell.
I feel so lucky.
that means nothing to me. now get to work, dammit!