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Veterok

Veterok club

Posted: 15 Feb 2018

Taken: 16 Feb 2018

0 favorites     5 comments    154 visits

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this photo by Veterok

Reading through old diaries and looking at some drawings.

It's surprising and insightful to see so many glances of oneself from the time before spiraling into pretty fucking long winded depression. It's like, oh, that's how I remember myself, that's who I am. And no wonder no one believed it even when I told them.
Comments
 Deborah Lundbech
Deborah Lundbech club
I am sorry you are having to suffer this terrible affliction. I had no real understanding of it until a close family member was diagnosed. We had no idea - and are not usually clueless people. I hope your pain will soon ease. Do you have a good system for getting help in Finland?
7 years ago.
 Veterok
Veterok club
Thank you! I appreciate it. I've only recently come to terms with it and have began the whole healing process -- even though I've always sort of known I'm depressed. I don't know what makes one procrastinate with these things for so long. From what I've read it's because with chronic depression (or high functioning depression) one is so used to it that it just feels like a part of the personality, and you always sort of "manage", even though the illness is devastating in the long term.

Finland has a pretty good public healthcare, but it's often hard to get to therapy (or enough therapy) unless one has enough money to see a private practitioner. The queues on the public healthcare tend to be long. I've been lucky with both medication & therapy since both have helped me immensely in the past 5-6 months. It's really nice to be able to think and see things more clearly again.
7 years ago. Edited 7 years ago.
 Deborah Lundbech
Deborah Lundbech club
Sorry to be so long in replying. For some reason, this did not show up in my "replies".
I am so struck with your definition and description of chronic depression. It is an exact mirror of the way it has been described to me by my family member (one of my sons.)
He is still "managing" and (I feel) intellectualizing his managing - rather than treating. It's such a complicated affliction, though. I make no judgement, just sad to see him with this struggle.
I am happy to hear that medication and therapy have worked so well for you this past months - and that the things are clearer. Congratulations - and continued good health to you!
On another note - I am really enjoying your photo stream, although your weather looks similar to ours - and I'm really ready for some warmth and green. : )
7 years ago.
 Veterok
Veterok club
Yes, it's very easy to intellectualize it. It took me so many years to realize it doesn't help much... Things are definitely much clearer now, it's like I have spent ten years, or more, in a fog and finally gotten out of it - my only grief is that I fear I've lost really meaningful and important people because of it all. I'm telling myself every day to stay positive about the future & not to give in to pessimism. Thanks for your compliments, I'm so ready for spring & summer as well!
7 years ago. Edited 7 years ago.
 Deborah Lundbech
Deborah Lundbech club
It must be hard to think you have lost important people due to depression, but as someone who has not suffered from it I also think it is just very human (and I certainly do it) to look back on our lives and think - Oh, if only I had done this, or not lived in that dumb place, or not made that stupid decision, or been braver, etc. then I would be (a stronger, more loved, more intelligent, more talented, more popular etc.) person. And then to feel self critical. (Intensely, it seems, if suffering from depression.)
So, perhaps that was the cause of you losing friends. Or not. And perhaps my losing friends along the way was due to one thing and gaining new friends was due to another.
I don't mean to imply that we should not be self aware and analytical about ourselves and our lives (not critical).There is just no "true" trajectory of our lives, they just are, and I think it's so difficult for all of us to get that. And that sounds like I am recommending passivity ,which I don't mean to imply at all!
I think I am not really getting at what I mean to convey by these ramblings - but I don't feel like deleting them at this point.
Feel free to roll your eyes and ignore. : )
The wonderful and best thing is that you are leaving the fog behind - and moving into a positive and happier way of being.
7 years ago.

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